someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
