if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
