They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
