I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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