the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
