i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize