I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
