this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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