you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
