I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
