So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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