I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
