And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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