capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
