I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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