I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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