You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
