we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
