Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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