booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
