You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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