I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize