First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
