also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
