She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
