so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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