Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
