Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
