So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
