drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
