I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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