I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
