I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
