I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
