Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
