she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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