You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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