Pregnant stripper...not hot.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize