Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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