you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
