my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
