I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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