Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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