After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
