I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
