when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
