did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
