speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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