Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
