i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
