I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
