oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
