i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
