You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
no, he came in my armpit
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
